alterEGO:a blog on stigma & life with HIV

I’ve been thinking about my relations and how I am perceived by the queer community lately. It had been a little challenging, because of my HIV, queer, and colored intersecting issues. For example, when people discuses institutionalized racism, I can forced to only address my experience with racial oppression, but if I dare bring up my sexuality or my HIVness in those spaces than there will be serious consequences. Secondly, when people discuses institutionalized homophobia/transpobia/hetronormativity  /hetrosexism/lgbtq issues, I am forced to only address my experience as identify as queer, but never am allowed to bring up my experiences with racial oppression or hiv stigmatization.

There is a great level of support for people of color who are lgbtq within the city I am currently residing. Despite the awesome initiative to include qpoc (queer people of color) into more spaces, I still feel alien, inferior, and invisible because people challenge my identities, people ignore my HIV+ identity, and there is a lack of analysis for PLHIV (people living with HIV) at the intersection of identity.

Living with HIV is a mother fucker, because it is no easy ride, its emotionally exhausting most of the time, and it makes it extremely more difficult navigating safe spaces. Here are a few reactions people have after disclosing my status by telling them, “Yo, I’m positive,”:

1.      People usually respond, “Are you okay?” I understand the sympathy behind this question of asking me if I am okay but at the same time this comment is so stigmatizing, degrading, and offensive. This statement implies that I suffering with the virus, that I am physically and emotionally weak, and that my health is fragile (constantly going to the hospital, taking hella medication, on the verge of death). I would appreciated when I disclose my status to people that they would show sympathy by saying thank you for sharing your story with me or something along those lines.

2.     I notice a couple of my friends were hesitant to share their food with me as if you can catch HIV like mono. YOU CAIN’T GET FUCKING HIV FROM SHARING A DAMN PLATE!!!

3.     negative people (people not living with HIV) folks tryin to organize my life deciding FOR ME when, who, how, and when to disclose my status to others. One person said, “oooh, you shouldn’t facebook like any HIV+ group because people can look at your page and think that you are positive,” fuck you, disclosing my status that is my business and my decision alone. I can like any fucking facebook group I want! If you don’t like it don’t be fucking friends with me you basted. Another friend be like, “living with HIV shouldn’t matter” hell the fuck yes it matters. If you are in a relationship with a person who loves you for you even after disclosing the status then hiv shouldn’t matter because that person loves you for you. But in society it does matter, because my social and political identity are influenced by my experiences as a person living with HIV. In today’s age people are still discriminated against for being HIV+ and so positive people go into hiding or try to ‘pass’ as a person who is negative to travel, to work, receive benefits negative people have. There are over 20 countries barring HIV+ from entering their country. Even in the U.S. there are jobs not allowing positive people from employment. People still give a shit about people disclosing their status in personal intimate partner relationships or about having kids. In essence HIV fucking matters. It also matters in disclosing to a potential partner (discussion around disclosure and or having kids as an HIV+ person in interment relationship will be posted in future blog posts)

With the four common reactions no wonder I am so hesitant to disclose my identity in public. This was the many reasons I’ve created an alias blog. I’m tired of bottling all this shit in but at the same time its isolating and challenging. The person who is positive they are always thinking about their safety about the reactions others would have after disclosing their status to people.

I’ve been thinking about my I am perceived by the queer community is because technically I’ve never been in a serious romantic relationship with anybody before, my gender expression represents a cisgendered female, and I have social anxiety when it comes to flirting with people who are cute.

You are probably wondering, why the fuck I’ve never been in a relationship even as being 22 years old and all. First, I have trust issues. I associated love with violence; my childhood was traumatizing for the first 20 years of my life (my first blog post captured my childhood nightmares) I don’t want to experience hurt and so I stayed single, I never engaged in getting to know people like like that, and I am still mending the broken hurt and taking risk and trusting people. It took me about 15 years to realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that I am beautiful as a person living with HIV. It is extremely difficult and appreciating the beauty in something that represents death and murder brewing in my bones. I have this self-hatred when it comes to me living with HIV. I feel so secretive like a subhuman alien. I don’t want to tell people my ugly vulnerable trauma with violence and living with this monster but in order to find love I have to unearth my mask from my soul. I have immense social anxiety issues when it comes to flirting with people I was thinking on going to counseling to solve it but the problem with this I ain’t got no health insurance and my college schedule is shitfull busy a 17 credit load so how the fuck I’m going to practice self-care!?! (You’re probably asking how does an HIV+ person not have health insurance there will be more discussion around this issue in future blog posts).

You’re probably asking how does HIV fit into my queer identity if even though I never been in a serious relationship with anyone before. There is persecution of LGB needing to prove their sexuality by either being or having sex with a person from the same sex. People don’t scrutinize a heterosexual person to prove that they are straight even technically they never been in a relationship. I don’t hear people saying, “Yo, how do you know you are straight,” there ain’t no straight Olympics to prove how hetro they are. I can understand the problematic issue when it comes to straight people pretending to be gay just to hook up with a person of the opposite sex. That is fucked up!!! My love ain’t no joke! I am sick and tired of this hetronormative-cissexism-dominancy. I know who I am attracted to. I am looking for love for a relationship I don’t necessarily care what gender they are. (recently, I’ve been thinking about my sexuality I feel that I am leaning more towards being more lesbian even though I self-identity as queer there will be more blog posts in the future about this)

I have social anxiety when it comes to flirting with people who are cute. I freeze up constantly its weird. I think it comes from me not being open in public about my identity because I haven’t really came to terms of embracing my queer, black, positive, womyn identity but at the same time I just emotionally detach myself from experiencing urges when seeing someone fucking hot. Its like I don’t have that horny drive. This is one of the many reasons I feel I identify as asexual. I think the reason for this issue is because of my childhood trauma, my trust issues, and the stress of living with hiv. Are there any tips in getting over social anxiety when it comes to flirting with cute ass hot gurls? I guess guys can be in the picture, I constnly am thinking about having sex with a girl and kissing her and being in relationship with a womyn I can see myself in my future with a womyn not so much with a guy. But, I’m open to the possibility regardless of gender. I’ve also have been thinking about changing my gender expression style (for over a year now) I was thinking of going for the tomboy femme look it’s a little challenging because I want people to start using they/them pronouns and appear more androgynous so they cain’t tell my gender but I love wearing jewelry and earings. I love it when guys have a femine touch to their wardrobe I wish I can pull that off.

I have to cut this blog short until next time peace

I was born with HIV in the year of 1989. My younger brother was born one year later and he was also born with HIV. When my mom was giving birth to my brother and I, doctors told her that she cannot have us because at that time doctors thought the kids were going to die becasue they had HIV.

How my mom got hiv? well, its from my father. He didn’t tell her durring that time about him having it or perhaps he didn’t know? most likely, I think he knew. I don’t know, I don’t care it feels like I’m struggling with living with HIV even though I NEVER EVEN FUCKING HAD SEX.

I found out I that I was HIV+ by an acedently discovery. I was seven years old attending this amazing camp for children and youth impacted by hiv/aids. This camp has a tradition holding hands in a large circle before the week long camp started. In the circle children, youth, and volunterers would say, “i go to camp because I want to have fun,” “i go to camp because I want to get to know you guys,” “I go to camp because my parents have HIV,” “I got to camp because my uncle died from AIDS,” “I go to camp because I have AIDS,” my common since at that time I’ve asked myself, “why do I go to camp?” “why am I here,” “do I have it?” when I came home that day I asked my mother if I had it, she repplied with an, “yes.” Like most mothers she wanted to protect me from the potential stigma and hardship I would face as being a person who is positive.

For the first five years of my life (1-5) it was traumatizing. I remember my father abusing my mother giving her black eyes. I remember the fights and arugments they had had  when I lived in this paticular brown house. I remember looking at my mom’s brused face it fucking made me really sad. I think I was six years old and I wanted to run away from home. I almost ran away from home. One day, I was hanging out with my cousin we were one year apart and we were upstais hanging out and I told him, I’m going to run away and so I packed all of my clothes and started to go out the window but my cousin told my mother and I cain’t remember what had happend maybee I got a spanken, maybee my mom talked to me. The reasons I was runnign away because I was tired of all the vilence happening at home it really made me feel sooooo bad hurt and it wasn’t a good inviroment to be growing up in it was really hard.

between the ages of 5-10 it was even more diffictult. seven was when I found out I was hiv. this was the year when I was taught the lesson of death. My younger brother passing away when I was about 8 or 9. can you imagine a kid who is positvie attenidng school esp sitting inside the class when they covered HIV/AIDS in health class how they deplicted people who were positve always skining dying and I fucking had that diesease wasI going to die and take medicine I was damged.My soul was swolloigwing me from the insides. also at this time I became aware of differences I hated my skin complection I got teased for beign too dark and my family on my popa side even judged me about wearing my hair, they would ask, “whydon’t you change your hair” I remember my autni telling my mom to change your daughters hair, for the longest I felt unwecllomed on that side of the family felt really hurt I never really explianed the difficutl I had with my hair, being a darkerskined black person, who is hiv postive. Around this time, I was also documented with a learning disability from the school district. I remember takig speach theapy classes and being placed in special classes for english. In those classes I learned absoltly nothing about grammar ectra. By the time I graduated my reading and test scroes for the state test was lower than average. I felt the school failed me. I think another big reason for me having this disability because of all the truama I’ve indured at home witinicing my parents arguemtns almost every other night they often became violent my father punching my mom and my mom stabbing my dad with a kniffe many times I called the police of how they helped with domestic violence and so many ways.  kknowing that I was hiv+ since the age of seven and couping with my brothers death. shit was hard.

teenage years was a nightmare. Violence at home still happening. my father in and out of prision. What made it most challenging how my mom always allowed him to stay with us. I hate that basterd I still fucking hate him. He is so fucking passive aggressive when you ask him or tlel him how you feel about a situtiation he blows up and gets piseed and this hurts me sooooooo mcuhc and being around this this is whay I want to get the fuck out. I don’t know why mom mom watns to help him out and have him livie with her. This dating dinamic has been in my life for the past forever and this is the many ways I have trust issues. I assoicated love with violence and I’ve vowed to never get emotionaly hurt again. when iwas 13 I’ve stopped calling my father dad and started calling him pops. and at this age I was sucidal luckly I went to that camp they liraraly saved my lfie because I felt included esp it allowed me to talk about living with hiv and how hard that was and at school i had no safe spaces to explain what I was going through as beging hiv+ and dealig with violence

20 years old was the first time THAT BASTERD as in my dad stayed out of trouble and out of prision. now it wants to be in my life. WHen I was fucking 18 I made the deceison to not having in my life because of his selfish ways but it made it fucking hard living with my mom and being here in the house where she let him live in the same fucking house! after all that violence my mom still let the demon basterd in the house. fuck. I guese one can anylize domoestic violence and how people still feel conected to their abuseer anylizing the complex nuences of leading to a perosn still being in a damaging relationship. their relationship still damages me up to this day.

in community college at the age of 18 or so was that I became aware of my queer identity. I remember in th 10th grade of high school when a friend of mine came out as bisexual and I started crushing on her hard. and at that time I thought of being in relationship with girls and not so much guys. when I was yougner I rember  removing their clothes and posetining the dolls to have sex with one another. and when my mom tucked me in for goodnight I kinda digged that.

this blog post was a recap of my life explaining how I became HIV+ I will post more about gender, sexuality, questioning, ectra in the near future. I hope ya’ll had a great new years! :)